Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Why bother.

So back in June I was convinced to try my hand at internet dating.(Got a very normal relative who met her very normal husband that way). So after a few "you have 5 cats in the photo with you..." conversations, I met a started exchanging emails with a gal who was great, college educated, witty, employed, seemed to click. We swapped photos and agreed to meet for coffee.

So we meet up at a coffee shop about 10 minutes from my house, first thing I notice is her hair is TOTALY differant, as in went from below shoulder length to pixie cut AND a differant color. This bugs me for a few minutes  but we are talking plans here about what we are doing for christmas and new years. She wants to know if I am going to be in town(kinda sudden for first date. I finally ask what her hair's change is all about.

It went like this:

Me :"So your photo you had long brown hair, now you have short, blond, large change"

Her:"It's a wig"

Me(did I mention I can be kinda dense): "Why wear a wig? I think you hair looked nice in your photo."(which I realize could be taken as "your hair looks NOT nice now", which is not what I am trying to say, simply that is it a drastic change from a known good to an unknown which also looks nice).

Her: Well I have was on chemotherapy and well I am bald now, but I stopped the chemotherapy because I didn't like how I felt and have decided to die. The doctors have given me 6-8 months to live which is why I was asking about Christmas  I want my boyfriend to hold my hand while I die."

Me : "... I'm sorry that you have cancer, that sucks." 
(the elephant in the room of, she wants me to emotionally invest in her , get to the serious part of the relationship, so she can die)

Her: " Well ,say something"

Me: "I have to go"

I left and decided that internet dating is not a good plan if you are looking for serious. My relative must be the part of couple from the commercial, while I am the office break room story. In retrospect I am not sure what is worse, that she wanted me to be OK with knowing that she would die after 6-8 months, that she had given up, or that I would have been part of her checklist of life/death. I know breakups happen but to not even have a chance, why bother?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Changing the rules...

So I started dating a normalish(so I thought) back in August for a couple weeks. It didn't work out well... So for starters I was very up front "I am not really looking for super serious, ring shopping , kids, pets , plants, joint checking accounts, ANY of that" on the first date.

She comes back with she is not looking to get serious either just wants to have fun, both in and out of bed, wants to see if they are decent guys out there(I like to think I am one), and not be tied down by commitments having just gotten out of a not so great marriage. OK so sounds like we are on the same sheets of music.

So we go on a couple dates things are kind of fun, getting home from dates is pretty fun too, she has a couple habits that I find annoying and know that long term would drive me INSANE. I emphasize several times that I am not interested in long term, by asking questions about other guys she is dating, if she thinks any of them will get serious, subtly dropping hint that I wasnt able to hang out Sunday night.

So she calls me up on a Wednesday and asks what I am doing on Friday and can I come over for a date/board games night at her house on Friday since her friend from out of town is visiting. I raise an eyebrow but hey that is that, likely the friend will just stay at her house we will head to my house and she will wake up early to make her house guest(who would be alone that night) breakfast. Works fine for me.

Well, the evening they had planned was more like a "dear penthouse forum" letter, in actuality she wanted the friend to participate, and the friend wanted to participate. Since I had no commitments to the relationship (previously stated), either of the women, and a particularly loud shoulder devil I was also fine with things. So things are well into round 2, when the gal who lives in my town up and goes "AGHH I can't do this:" freaks out and leaves. The gal from out of town says, "Well that kinda ruins the fun", and well that was the end of that.

So if you are going to host an orgy, have rules before, and don't change them half way through, it is really unkind to the participants.  

Women are strange.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Dinner conversations

So this one is not all bad, it does go to show I am stupid for girls with a southern accent though.

I met this gal at a friend's party, sort of a friend of a friend thing and we started dating, things were pretty good. Funny, southern accent (did I mention I am a sucker for that), educated, thinks I am funny...

So after about a month of dating I get invited to a friend of the family's for Easter dinner. These people have known me since I was 8; seriously I went to elementary, middle and high school with their kids. Scary that we are all grown up now. So I invite this gal to dinner as they specifically ask to meet whomever I am dating (they like to tease me about this, they also give my folks updates via email). So my date we will call her April (name changed to prevent embarrassment), has asked what the situation is dress code(because really family friends and such, got to impress them), and we show up on time with the obligatory bottle of wine.

So after about 45 minutes of pre-dinner socializing, we all sit down at the table which is an antique French formal dining table. Think 10-12 seats on each side, with one at each end, hand carved table tops, and may have been used once to sit at and read a just published Charles Dickens novel (NOT JOKING, serious money, seriously old, serious antique) .

First course (soup) is fine small talk, how is college, which car is better Ford or Chevy (Subaru here, but AWD is very important in Alaska). And on and on. So out comes the Easter lamb, and we all get served a slice of lamb roast. I hear a noise and a gasp and low and behold April (just to my right) has whipped out a pocket knife to cut her roast. Now just a Swiss army knife, sure no problem but this is more than that, it is first NOT pocket knife but a tactical knife, blade in the 5 inch range, one handed opening, locking blade. All out of a sun dress, not sure where since she had no pockets. (It is Easter, apparently sun dresses are what you wear on Easter).

http://www.spyderco.com/catalog/details.php?product=358 (web page for knife she had)

The gasp is the hostess who is having a crisis of conscience trying to figure out if the china(likely same ere as the table) we are eating off of will be hurt by the knife and to say something sparing relics from the middle ages, OR to be the impeccable host and not say anything.   So dinner conversation goes on for a few minutes as we all politely pretend to ignore the very large very aggressive knife wielding woman in our midst (the lamb was nicely cooked, NOT tough, I managed just fine with the provided knife). After cutting her lamb into bite sized pieces April closed the knife and returned it to not her pocket, but just to the side of her plate. (Now I have carried a Leatherman, Swiss army knife or some such tool since elementary school days, tactical knife not so much).

So the obvious question of how long we have been dating comes up and its follow up question will you continue dating (hey they are like stand in parents). And as April (who was asked the question) answers, the Hostess's husband drops his fork and jumps back in a double take.

Well I knew April had been in a car wreck about a year prior and it was bad (65mph head on). The thing I DIDN'T know was that she had 2 prosthetic upper front teeth that could be popped out for eating. We had done dinner several times but I didn't know about the teeth, she had never taken them out before. Well I did a double take too; someone suddenly missing their front teeth is freaky.

She and I dated about 2 weeks longer and then she found a guy who she liked more and that was the end of that. I never got a good explanation as to why her knife was needed, why the teeth came out, or why I was not a decent enough guy. She was later dumped by that guy and left town in a hurry with a couple theft allegations following her.

Not as strange or quirky as the others but I STILL get grief from the family friends. Ran into them at their daughter’s wedding a month ago and it was the first topic of conversation.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Been busy couple weeks, and I am a procrastinator

So about 6 months ago I went to a friend's wedding and met via friend of friend of cousin of a gal who seemed nice and we chatted for a good 45 minutes before swapping phone numbers and the promise to do dinner and a night out when I was going to be in her area. She lives about 6 hours north of where I do so planning would be important.

So a week later I am heading up that way for work and I called her before leaving town and she seemed delighted to hear from me. There had been 2 phone calls prior so really every 3 days I had called and talked. She was from a small town in rural middle America, thought that the Red Sox are a better team than the Yankees, and that orange cream ice cream is the best flavor.

So I set up dinner at a fancy hole in the wall that I know is a great place, total of 5 tables, and the waiter actually remembers me from when I went to college in town. We have dinner and turns out she has never had a guy take her to a nice restaurant. So I am already in the "good guy" category. We do a brief walk around the world ice art carving championships (it is Alaska in winter, so it is COLD) and then head into the local indoor mini-golf place to give things a try.

We have a blast playing, all in all a great date thus far. She is having fun, I am enjoying her company, things couldn't be going much better.  Then she asks if we cna go visit the friend who introduced us at her work, the friend is a waitress at a bar in town. So we cruise over the friend's place and I get stuck unexpectedly with the tab for a round of cocktails, not just for my date and I but an additional 4 people. Rant about 9 dollar cocktails withheld for fear of ruining the top row on my keyboard. 

I play the good date, put on a brave smile and open a tab. To which I ended up signing away a half a week’s worth of wages by the end of the night, my date is drunk, her friends are there too (or slightly on either side of drunk), and I am cold sober because I have been nominated driver and I am too conscious of being a good guy on a date, so getting drunk is not an option for me. Friends dropped off and we are on the way to her house so I can drop her off and not call(standards, getting drunk on first date falls into the not dateable category) when she says lets go to X's bar.

Now I know X from college and we used to hang out that he bought  a bar is a surprise, given that he would more likely be at them but never behind one. So we walk in and he is not working tonight, but my date proceeds to start making out with the bouncer/ID checker. So I leave her in his capable hands and head back to my car. She come sprinting out of the bar and asks where I am going and I inform her I am going back to my hotel to get some sleep; that I thought the date was over. She asks why I thought the date was over. I shot back with "SERIOUSLY!!!!?!?!?! You were just making out with the bouncer on our date, after I shelled out fortune to get you and your friends drunk and haven't even gotten a thank you. You are a lousy date, you are incredibly inconsiderate. I am going back to my hotel to get some sleep so I can drive home tomorrow if you want a ride I can drop you off at your house."

So I dropped her off and went back to my hotel to get some sleep. The next day I check my email before heading out and I have had several Facebook mentions so I click on them. Apparently I have been called a lousy date, greedy, selfish, and several other names. SIGH.

Friend of friend of cousin who introduced us apologized when she heard about the date, and gave the reason she introduced us, “well she was single, I knew that much.” *Sigh* Perchance she was single for a reason…

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Worst sex ever...

So in keeping with my theme of relationships are strange places....

I went on a date with a woman I hadn't seen since college(friend of friend) and it went great. Good conversation, funny, anyway we ended up back at her place. Movie goes into the DVD player and she is leaning on my shoulder. Now this is my first date with this woman, but we had hung out some in college and I realize that relationships are not exactly built on hooking up on the first date so I distance my self from this by getting another glass of wine (you know, to help my judgement... ).

So the movie is a romantic comedy about John Cussack and some gal who finds the other half of Cussacks glove pair in a sale bin. Lots of sappy stuff, lots of potential. So about 3/4th the way through the movie she asks if I can give back rubs(I can, though I usually put them in the clothes off realm) and well heck I am human I offer.

She lays down on her front facing the TV and I kneel and start rubbing. So about 5 minutes into the massage, she says stop,  she does that magical bra off from under shirt and pulls her shirt off all while laying down. I don't know how women can do that, it takes me 2 hands, a bright light, and a schematic to do it. She then asks me to continue, and well being human, having an attractive half naked woman in front/under me.  (no kissing here, just a back rub and her leaning on me thus far).
So she stops the massage again ans asks me to get her more wine, so I get some for both of us.

Now this is about glass 5 for me and I am really not in condition to drive(which in my mind I won't be), and I mention this. She says, not a problem you can stay here. My mind starts doing the "happy dance" (this looks something like me dancing to disco after I have aquired some sort of seziure disorder). So about 5 minutes later the movie ends and she announces that she is going to get ready for bed.

So she puts her shirt back on, and says "here is a blanket for the couch. I upstairs and we are not sleeping together". So since there hadn't been too mcuh leading(no kissing, no talk about it) on I can deal with that, IT would have been fun but hey "life is what happens when you have other plans". So I bundle up  on the couch and pass out.

Next morning I get up, when she does, we have breakfast and I am off to my house. I get home and take a shower. I get out of my shower to a ringing phone and it is the mutual friend from college(we still hang out).

Apparently when my mutual friend asked how the night went it went something like I got drunk, "made advances dispite being told to stop", she pulled a gun and shot me. I cannot locate this bullet hole, I have looked, if there are SANE, attractive women reading this that are interested in looking... ;) . So my freind had known me for over 6 years at that point, and the mutual friend for only about 3 so her story got questioned. This sort of thing isn't me, I am actually a little too passive in taht department, forcing the issue isn't my style. So my friend of 6 years starts asking questions.   How many times did you shoot him, where did you shoot him, what happened after you shot him, you know the pretty standard things that if you shoot someone they likely will remember.

So my friend of 6 years called me to see how my bullet wounds(yes, multiple times apparently) are doing. The version she heard of our night basicly ended with me driving off drunk into the night after bleeding all over her apartment. Only problem with this version of the evening is my lack of extra holes, stitches, my breathing(multiple bullet wounds usually require LOTS of doctors), and my truck not having blood in it. So my friend basicly says well I thought she was a little off but never that bad.

So about this time I get another phone call from a second mutual friend (small crowd) and appently a second version of events in which I was only threatened with a gun because of a warning shot has surfaced.

I haven't even finished drying my hair and I am finally hitting the relization that I have been accused of a felony( I have never even smoked pot or cigarettes at this point). I get REALLY offended that someone is accusing me of this sort of thing. If I was that desperate to get laid I would just go find a floozy at a bar, craigslist, or dial 1800escorts4u(not sure if that is a real number but it might actually be one). It still makes me mad thinking that someone accused me of that.

So I tell the second friend that if the next time she talks to this gal if she thinks that I did anything she needs to go to the cops and report it. The second friend actually had lunch later that day with her and apparently the story had grown even more to include me beating on her prior to the gun. Problem is that at 5'11 and  225 lbs, lifting weights every day and swimming 2 miles,   I should be able to leave some marks. 

This one scores a 10 of 10. Apparently there is a club of guys who also think that she is BSC(bat shit crazy), now woman crazy is normal, stuff like bathroom in packs, 100 pairs of shoes, does dress make me look fat questions. BSC is a much higher level of crazy, sort of like a Ford is a car, a Ferrari is a car too but with many more bells and whistles and obviously should be noticed.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Work keeps me too busy

So work is keeping me too busy to post here. I should be back by the 10th.
until then ill leave you with this gem.

"I love ice cream, it is my comfort food. It is like Ben AND Jerry are there giving me a big "it will all be OK " hug... " Yes I said that today...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Traffic stop...

So at the old age of 30 I have been thrust back into the dating world, it is daunting, and frankly I have the worst luck on dates. Normal women who don't have gigantic issues, for some reason are scarce(much like the single, super model, doctor, comedians). If I locate an eligiable one I'll be sure to shout it from the rooftops, until then I am going to be searching. This is the tale of one such search.

So I met this gal at of all places a bar, now before you say well there is your problem, a description of the "bar" in question. It is the only business in a remote town of 300 people, also serves breakfast, lunch and dinner. If there are 3 people in there the bar is hopping. A pool table, 2 eating/drinking tables and 5 bar stools and a boom box are the furnishings. She was the waitress/bartender/cook/whatever else. Her folks owned the place.

So we got to talking over beer, and since we were the only people in the place, we got to talk for about an hour while my buddy Laurance played pool. So this gal and I kinda hit it off and I asked her if she wanted to go to a real town for dinner, and whatever else she wanted to do, my treat. Things got planned for Saturday, about 2.

We meet up, she is driving because my car is a work truck and about as environmentaly friendly to drive into town, as the Exxon Valdez. So we both pile into her Saturn, and head to town. We eat a late lunch at a Chineese place, walk around the mall, people watch, talk all is pretty good.

So we head back to the cafe/bar where we had agreed to meet and we have just passed the city limits and we get pulled over by the cops. She flips out, full on bat shit crazy, pounding the wheel, frothing at the mouth ranting about F*ing cops this, Danm the police that. This is before the guy has even gotten out of his car to ask for license and registration she is full on crazy. I am a little bit in shock, the sweet, polite, woman I have spent the last 3 hours with just did a complete about face.

The deputy gets to her window and like a switch she is Mrs. Manners, he informs her that she ran a stop sign a block back(I did not see a stop sign, and I am a pretty bad back seat driver), can he get her license, registration, and proof of insurance. He gets them, my license too and goes back to his car. Soon as he has left, she flips back into crazy mode, about how cops are all out to get her, she "didn't do nothing", and down hill from there.

The deputy gets back hands her stuff, says she will be getting a warning today, looks at me, my license, and asks me to step out of the car. This is a first for me but I am pretty laid back so I get out. We walk about 25 feet back to his car, he hands me my license, looks at me and says "You need to look into the company you keep, it can reflect negativly on you, this conversation never happend, here is your license have a good night". Now I am puzzled but I am like ok.

I the deputy gets back in his car, and I get back in the passenger seat of hers. She starts driving, and I am still a little puzzled about the deputy's comment but I am still a little alarmed by her outbursts, so I don't bring her outburst up. I instead bring up how her drivers license photo must look good enough to get her out of a ticket, this leads to the inevitable who's drivers license photo is worse. So while looking at her license I can also see the birth date.

So we are about back to my truck at this point and I say I have had a fun time, aside from the almost ticket, and I'll call her with plans for next weekend. So I get back to my truck, write down the birthday, and head home. I get to my house, and pop open google, and google my date. Turns out she has convictions for methamphetamine production and dealing, multiple domestic violence arrests(both ways), prostitution, shop lifting. I decided that while some things are in the past (I have 2 speeding tickets, and a driving at speeds in excess of conditions which is legal speak for you slid into a ditch), and some things are liable to rear up shortly. I put her problems in the latter catagory and didn't plan another date.

I don't know how to rate this one. Comment with your ranking,  1 being not bad date, 10 suprised I didn't wake up in bathtub of ice missing a kidney.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial day camp out, and 19 miles

So for those of you who don't know I am running a marathon and trying to raise money for leukemia and lymphoma research for a cure. I have 2 blogs and was out of town this weekend (but I still did my practice run). I updated one and you are getting that update for this one. I should have a good update for Tuesday.

So for Memorial day I was out of town for the longest practice run of the season. The longest practice run is supposed to be 3 hours, which turns into 3 hours 20 minutes when you do not be able to hear your turn around alarm with head phones in. I ran 9.5 out, turned around and ran 9.5 back. I was very impressed with myself, I have beaten a personal longest run, and I was going pretty fast, roughly 11 minute miles, which is my ideal pace for the marathon here in June.

I realized at about mile 17 of my run that while my feet hurt that I was only going to be in tempory pain and there were people who are, have been and will be in worse pain until a cure for cancer is found. This caused me to keep going. I think I can do the 26.2 miles when it gets here.

So the reason I was out of town is the local chapter of the Alaska Machine Gun Association (AMGA) was going to do a machine gun shoot at the range in Anderson. For those of you who don't know your very small Alaskan towns, Anderson is a town of about 400 located about 5 hours drive north of Anchorage, and 1 hour south of Fairbanks just off the parks highway. A machine gun shoot is where a bunch of people who own machine guns (yes they are legal, there is just a bunch of paperwork and background check first, then a very large check to buy it) get together and shoot at things. Then cook over camp fires, drink beer, complain about slow drivers in the left lane , how shopping carts always have one wheel that doesn’t work right, and their kids play too many video games.

The local fire department donated 2 wrecked cars for us to shoot at, and then after we have "really wrecked them" they chop them up for practice pulling people out of wrecks. The cars were pretty much about like Swiss cheese by the time we were done though. So the fire department was happy that the cars were well “wrecked”. Because we made quite a bit of noise for 2 days, a donation was taken up for the local fire department and they will likely be getting some fancy new gear. Here are some of the guns that were used.

The old guy with his cannon, the stuff in the back is all the stuff he needs to keep it running. He says he never has tailgaters either... It is a blast(pun intended) to fire, you can see the cannon ball hit the ground and skip. I can say for a fact if you shoot a ford escort in the trunk the cannon ball will go through the trunk, through the rear seat, through the front seat, through the fire wall, break when it hits the drivers side shock, and then keep going.

This is a photo of the firing line at after things slowed down a bit, the down side is I was having too much fun shooting things that I forgot to take photos during the exciting stuff.

This is a video of me shooting my friend Sean's very high caliber sniper rifle, (at 5 bucks a shot, I only took one, I didn't want him to go broke). I hit the target, I just didn't knock it over.

I don't own any of these things, YET. Someday after the marathon is over with, I'll likely get some, maybe. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Walking alone...

So I have a trend going here and people seem to enjoy my gallows humor. Yet another...

Friend of mine and I headed out one Friday evening to go meet ladies at a local dive bar. Now by dive bar I mean a place that caught on fire and reopened with a blue tarp to cover the missing wall, and a kerosene lamp to light the back. I am pretty sure the fire marshal got his kids braces on that one.

So my buddy, lets call him "Muffin" (he got that nickname in college, how we will never know), is a big guy. 6'3" 250, really would have fit well in a longship, chain mail, and a broad sword. Professional pipe fitter.  Is having a very successful evening hitting on a young lady and they are obviously going places. I have taken the wingmans supporting role and been flirting with her attractive friend. About 2 beers, 2 body shots, and a jello shot later (time got kinda fuzzy). About this time Muffin, as the DD, asks if I need a ride home because he is heading out with his new friend. I tell him wait 5 min I gotta get this gal's phone number.

So I tell the gal I am flirting with that I gotta go due to my ride leaving , and ask if I can get her phone number so I can call the next day. She says she would rather just drive me to her house, wake up, roll over and talk to me more the next morning. So or obvious reasons I tell Muffin that I am covered for a ride.  And Muffin makes a bee line for his house with his new friend in tow.

So the gal and I proce to match each other body shot for body shot for about an hour. (With progressively lowered inhibitions). She then says we should head back to her house. She drives, which in retrospect was a BAD idea. Not only was she WAY beyond the legal limit, but I have no idea where I am, due to fiddling with radio and talking with her, not to mention there being ice fog everywhere.

Now a brief bit on ice fog. It is a fog made of suspended ice crystals  in the air. It happens at around -35 and lower. It is just like normal fog but denser and more difficult to see through. This is Fairbanks , AK here so -40 is pretty standard in January at night.

So we end up off a main road that I actually know, and I grab my jacket from her car to head into her house. We get to the couch, she turns on the TV as we start making out. After about 15 seconds of making out she breaks the kiss, and FREAKS OUT. Screaming that I have to go right now, I am really confused but pushing the issue is not really my thing, and hey I did get to make out with a cute gal for about 15 seconds. I asked her what the problem was and she (still freaking out) says I have to go right now. So I grab my jacket and head out.

Now while I know roughly where I am in relationship to the road that I know leads to my house, I am still about 6 miles from my house. It is 2 am, I have 7 dollars cash, a credit card, student ID, a jacket, no hat, no gloves,  and it is about -40 outside.  I unfolded the collar of my jacket and unrolled that nylon hood thing that is in cheap jackets, you know the one, that sounds like a great idea when you buy it,  but has no practical purpose as it funnels rain INTO your collar.  I found the practical purpose. I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket and started walking home, still very drunk. At about mile 3 I was actually crossing the campus where I went to school and all I could think about was how cold I was. so I
went into the all night study;  which was ,as normal, occupied by Indian exchange students studying engineering, astrophysics, and statistics.

I could stop shivering but only if I worked at it and I was still very drunk so I proceeded to do jumping jacks, push ups, running in place, sit ups. While wearing my jacket. This went on for about 15 or so minutes until the campus security was called (the future engineers, rocket scientist, and statisticians must have thought I was bothering them) and I was asked to leave. But I was no longer shivering and I was starting to sober up. So back on the road headed toward my house running this time because I have the balance to do it I went about another 2 miles when I realize that I know the bartender of the the last bar before my house, maybe I can get a ride home. 

So I go in and I precede to ask if I can get a favor and the bar tender looks at me and says sure name it, I in a flash of brilliance decide that I can walk the rest of the way home but to prevent freezing I should get another drink. I order a shot of vodka, and a chaser of coke. I pay my last 6 bucks for my drink and tip a dollar so I am now set for booze and well still a mile from home. I head back out and start running again. when I can see my apartment complex I start walking again and walk in my front door at just about 3 am. It had been an eventful night.

I never got to ask that gal what her issue was, my friend Muffin was all smiles the next afternoon at a BBQ, but did feel bad about leaving me but I had sent him on his merry way. Muffin and the gal kept dating for about 4 months until she graduated and left state. I didn't really care for her so I didn't ask her much about her friend.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Glass of water...

So this next one goes back a ways...

So when I was college dating was fairly frequent, I mean why not? There are lots of women, I didn't know exactly what I wanted, and the simplest way of finding out what that was looking. In my microbiology class there was this gal who was asked a question by the prof (one of the dreaded, "lets make sure everyone has done the reading" questions). The gal bombed the question, not so much on as unable to get close to a correct response but in a did you attend any of the prerequisite high school classes sort of way.

I felt bad for the her and opened my book to the correct page and slid it across the table to her, she lights up and corrects her answer(about 2 subjects later, but you gotta love persistence). The gal who was attractive started talking to me after class and asks me if I will tutor her because I am so smart. Now keep in mind, while anyone likes to hear about how smart they are, if an attractive female asks a college age male to come over and tutor her, it means "TUTOR" *wink wink nudge nudge* . I was single , and in display of amazing judgement(and luck), I proceed to talk my way OUT of tutoring her that night and into going the next night, but I promise to call her that night(I actually had a class from 6-10 PM.

So that night on the phone(45 min phone conversation, about the first 1 minute was about class), I learn she is 21, (younger woman), lives in a house(dorms suck, thin walls), has a car, job, decided that biology was the direction to go to get a raise. So things are looking up with this woman as far as A relationship and B not raving lunatic.  The deal was decided that I would tutor her and she would cook me a home cooked meal, she said she knew how to cook, and I was really smart(I would put my self at at 7/10 on the Einstein scale ).

So the next day I call her before heading over after classes to confirm and she asks if I can get a bottle of wine to go with dinner. I asked her what we were having so I could pick a good wine to go with it(I had done some research on this), moments later I am looking for a good wine to go with pasta. So I show up at her house according to plan. I get shown inside and the place smells like wet dog(which she has, and locks him up in a back room). She says dinner will be right out, watch some TV and have a glass of wine. So I do, she has one too. A little bit of fussing in the kitchen and 10 minutes later dinner is out.

Now dinner is well shall I say ,unimpressive. Top Ramen noodles boiled for several minutes in some spices that I have never seen used like that (montreal steak seasoning for instance is typicly used on steak, not table spooned onto on boiling noodles), badly strained , then have the chicken flavor seasoning packets dumped on them, covered in Ragu sauce from an already open and half used jar from the cupboard. There was also a side of saltine crackers.

Now I was a college student, I  lived on top ramen noodles, rice, peanut butter, pilot bread, cheap beer, and something the cafeteria called "Asian surprise" which wasn't bad aside from the intense thirst it brought on (drown something in soy sauce and watch your cheap beer consumption skyrocket) for 4 years. But this was a culinary masterpiece that made just regular ramen look good. It was the sort of dish that I would imagine was served on the failed reality TV game-show "Medical Procedure Survivor :  AND I LIVED!! ". Sure there are starving children in Africa, I don't live there, nor am I a child. I politely filled up on saltines and wine, I wasn't alone eating lots of them too.

So for her after dinner clean up went like this(her house mind you).I actually watched this thought process.
Simply chuck the dishes in the sink(looking at sink), ok it is already full...., counter is full too (next to sink), hum... can't throw away actual plates(looking at garbage can, also full) . (Inspiration) AH the patio, Rotting food only happens to food that is exposed to above freezing temps and since it is -10 out side that won't happen until spring.
She then took the plates outside and scrapped them off(she didn't eat her ?cooking? either, and don't get me started on what that place must have looked like come spring), and left them there.

So dinenr was a flop but this gal was intent on getting some tutoring and at 23, can you say "one track mind". So back to the other room where the books got opened before we are making out on the couch and her shirt is off in no time. This is one of the most attractive women that has ever been interested in me, and well I can over look slob and bad cook thing I am IN. Bra is off in another 15 seconds, my shirt is off. Her hand is down my pants, my hand in her underwear, really heavy breathing at this point.... "Mommy , I am thirsty. " WTF!!!

WTF!! Out of nowhere a 6 or 7 year old boy in pajamas has appeared asking "Mommy" for water. My hands are back into view faster than I ever got them back in any high school make out session when her parents walked in. Her hands are the same. She puts her shirt back on and I put mine back as she says "I'll be right back". She goes to the kitchen , I hear her wash out a drinking glass and give it to the kid. All the while I am thinking she has a kid, how does she have a kid, she is 21, kid is 7... Math that means at 13 she was getting knocked up. I wasn't even making out on a regular basis at that point.

She comes back in and acts like me finding out she has a kid in a very unexpected manner is no big deal. Now for the record, I think kids a kinda cool, I used to be one(and still am on occasion, for instance I still am fascinated by women's breasts). I ask what the story with the kid is and she says her husband is in jail for murder. So yeah in the space of 2 minutes I have learned that the really attractive woman in front of me A) had a kid when she was 13(decision making skills may to be lacking), B) is married to a violent felon and didn't tell me. Neither of these was brought up in the 45 minute conversation we had the previous evening, and I would think that they would be.

I told her I wasn't sure if I was the kind of help that she needed and grabbed my coat and left. She didn't come back to class thankfully.

That was a solid 9.5 on the weird scale, and he was eligible for parole in a mere 3 more years(because I was kinda worried about me being next).

Sledding on a date...

So next bad date. Also a first date....
   So a little more back ground, I went to the University of Alaska Fairbanks campus for school. Think a place with 7 months of winter 3 weeks of spring and fall and the best summers you could imagine(75 and sunny every day). So in the winter things get, shall we say... COLD. The relationship I was in had come to an abrupt and unpleasant end(I have issues the other half of relationships being unfaithful, if I wanted to be a swinger I would have said so up front) and I was looking for a new relationship.

   As things would have it a friend of mine arranged a blind date with a friend of theirs. So we meet up at the local Dennies, a set of cheese burgers, I pick up the check,  and we set out in my car to go to the local ice carving display(they do last a while....). I am driving down the main road in town, called Airport way, a 45 mile per hour road, 2 lanes in each direction, the radio is on and she starts singing along to American Pie(because who doesn't secretly sing), I join in and we are right in the middle of a chorus line going 45 down the road when she reaches into the middle of the car and yanks the emergency brake HARD.

   Now my car was a rear wheel drive Nissan 240 SX (,small 4 seat, rear wheel drive, slightly larger than needed engine, manual transmission, and amazing handling). Now if you have ever been driving at 45 MPH on icy roads and you have had the emergency brake pulled you will absolutely know the level of panic that hits as you completely lose control of your car and attempt to get it to the side of the road. I managed to avoid side swiping the Suburban next to me and not slide into the median and nail a telephone pole and get to a stop. The front half of the car is currently almost touching the telephone pole in the middle of the road, and the back half is in the traffic lane at about a 45 degree angle. I think the only way I managed any shred of control of the car was that I had practice in abandoned parking lots while singing my own theme music and pretending I am James Bond in a high speed pursuit.  

   I very violently grabbed the emergency brake and slammed it back down,  shift into reverse to get out of the median, and to a safe spot in the emergency lane. I then ask what the hell she was up to, she proceeded to sputter and claim she had no idea what the problem was. I was not a gentleman and ordered her to get the "F*** out of my car" (YES, in the emergency lane of a busy road at -10, it was in town she could walk somewhere safely, she had a coat). That was the end of the date, I wasn't really interested in ice carvings at that point. Our mutual friend got an ear full later in class and turns out they barely knew each other.

I would rate this one as an easy 6 but with a solid 5 seconds of 9.

Monday, May 21, 2012

My life rebooted

So background, it might be important, that whole context thing. I am 30, about 4 years ago I moved 2000 miles from Idaho back to Alaska so I could date a girl who was my best friend. It went great... for about 2 years, engagement(8 months), , wedding (zero months), marriage counseling(month 9), her getting a guy on the side(month 9.5), more counseling(month 9.5), another guy on the side(month 16), me getting all messed up in the head and thinking I was the issue(month 16)... Yeah. long story short when the time to sign papers I signed them(month 19).

After getting my head straightened out(month 25) I decided that winter gets cold and I didn't want to spend it with company, maybe not serious but I didn't know what was out there and I should maybe start dating. Lets just say that things are not what I remember, first I have the real issue of I am 30, second I am divorced, third I am a little eccentric. By a little eccentric I mean I am the guy who  can order dinner in 4 languages, badly in a 5th, breakfast well not so much. I have ridden 1000 miles in 21 hours on a motorcycle, through a rain storm because I said I would meet people at the other end on time. Driven the Alaskan highway twice, spent the night on top of a mountain in a snow bank at -34 with a 40 mile per hour wind, and ran a marathon(OK that is upcoming, come on June 23!!!).

So dating is something that I have never been really fond of, I enjoy meeting new people but I seem to have rotten luck as far as dating them. For instance, I once met a woman through work, same age as me, we talked on the phone twice(total of about 45 minutes), and plan out what to do on Friday night. She decides she wants to dinner and a movie. Pretty standard and this is my first date since harvest season on the farm (think 7 says a week,  16 hours a day for 12 weeks, dating is second to sleep).

So I show up at this gal's address, check my hair, and ring the door bell. Her sister answers, and mentions that she will be heading out. I am PERFECTLY OK with this(yes, my motives at 100% pure... OK 50%). The sister says " I hope you don't mind waiting she will be right out". So after about 5 minutes of waiting she come around the corner of her house and BAM she is dressed to the nines, hair in curlers, sweat pants, and undershirt 2 sizes too big.  Apparently I was expecting a little more effort for a first date, and I must have a lousy poker face because she blurts out " I thought I would cook you dinner and we could stay in and watch a DVD" Now no joke here, while she is an interesting woman, she is also the first woman I have had a realistic chance of making out with since the middle of the summer and she wants to stay in comfortable clothes, on her couch, in her house with me next to her and watch a DVD; that is almost code for lets make out and see where it goes. So I am good for this.  Well dinner turns out to be a bag of microwave popcorn, extra salt. Well about one handful of popcorn in she declares she is thirsty and is getting a drink do I want anything, I ask what she has, Jack Daniels and water. The sister has loudly announced that she is going to go read in her room, and closes the door.

So this gal proceeds to bring the whole bottle of Jack back to the couch, cuddle up next to me, give me my glass of water and then proceed to half a bottle fifth of Jack Daniels. Not only is this alarming but part of my mind goes, wow we haven't even started the movie.  She then asks what movie I want to see, my options are "Finding Nemo", "The Reef", and "Little Mermaid". . Getting the theme here, water and animated. OK... Oh yeah this is the part when I get to meet her kid, yeah the one that I didn't know about. Kinda alarming since this completely destroys my plan for the night. The second alarming part is when her 6ish year old kid asks for dinner and gets the bag of popcorn(I am hungry but I am not going to fight a 6 year old for food...). The movie starts and I am going, "well this is a first and last date, 2 hours of her leaning on my shoulder and I am out of here to hit the delete button on her phone number".
 The sister comes back into the room, and shares the pop corn. My date continues to hit the Jack and the bottle is well into the last and Nemo's dad is racing against jelly fish when she starts getting frisky with me. Not simply making out (which would have been pretty weird due to the kid and sister in the room), but grabbing my crotch, putting my hand down her pants... you get the idea. I am running out of polite dodges and her phone rings(I think the only time in my life that I have ever been being dragged round 2nd base and WANTED an interruption).

 She answers it and it is her ex husband(also a new sudden thing), and she informs me that he is on his way over and is drunk(wow really, who isn't). As she finishes telling me that they divorced due to his(only his???) drinking and physical abuse I hear a truck outside as it plows through her hedge and blocks her drive way with his truck narrowly missing my car.

So drunk ex husband falls out of his truck and storms the house, show of agility that makes my date look stone cold sober. Gets in the front door and proceeds to fall against it, bounce off, regain his balance, open it and get inside to fall again. The ex then tries to start a fight with me only he can't stand up, and is about 50 pounds lighter than me. I can't really tell what he is saying but he is claiming to protect his ex's honor(which in my humble opinion fled long ago screaming into the night). He will not stop trying to fight me, the sister is laughing her butt off(because humor is laughing at the misery of others), my date is attempting to get me to fight him, and the 6 year old is cheering for Nemo(currently swimming in a dentist's fish tank).

The ex husband makes it to his feet throws a punch, falls; I grab his arm and put him in an arm lock, and ask the sister to move his truck from in front of my car. She locates his keys in the front walk, and moves his truck.  I announce that I have had a wonderful evening, and would call(OK I LIED, I didn't want to cause a scene...  ). I let the husband go, sprint out the door into my car and was seeing exactly how fast my car would go. 

That is about a solid 8 on a 1-10 scale of strange dates.

I'll see what I can do as far as a 9 later.