Monday, May 19, 2014


   So after getting temporarily stationed down south for work for 6 weeks and then a 2 week vacation I was going to try internet dating again.

SO... get a few responses to messages(I am VERY selective about my criteria, no kids, employed, college or higher, within 3 years age wise, shared interests, keeps in shape).

I get a nibble from a college educated gal, pretty, we swap emails for a week, then off to a night out, goes well, I walk her home(she lives walking distance from down town). She leans in for good night kiss, all is good, obviously a second date is in line. Now prior to the date she has told me she is going on vacation for 2 weeks and that she will be back XYZ date.

Second date, we agree to meet up at a local pizza place and grab a slice before whatever. She is outside as I pull up and we walk in. I pull out her chair and catch a whiff of weed. She isn't just a little stoned either she reeks of it, and the conversation goes like this.

"Did you have any great adventures on your vacation?"

"...... like what?"
"we saw buildings that were old"(seriously I'm not familiar with the effects of weed first hand but I have observed second hand and well this appears to be a classic).

"So, did you get to visit your friends from highschool that were living there?"

*pizza delivered*

Conversation is over because I obviously misjudged the gal, and well I decided that the pizza is better anyway.

Pro tip, don't show up to dates stoned ladies...

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Hospital grade crazy

So a friend introduced me to her nurse friend who was single at a BBQ back in August. We hit it off and agree to do dinner some time. Dinner and drinks turns into long conversation, things are going great. Couple more dates and we are seeing each other.

Now this gal has a semi graveyard shift, (0400-1200) so we don't get to hang out much due to the sleep requirements of her job and mine. So shift selection for the next 6 months comes up at my job. I take the crappiest shift imaginable so I can spend time with this woman, yes I took a 0330-1130 shift. Now shift selection takes place 3 weeks before the actual shifts. So first of October I'm picking and middle of October I'm working it.

This gal had expressed an interest in going dancing. I happen to be pretty well connected and have 2 friends who are VERY good dancers, it may have to do with their YEARS of teaching it professionally, taking lessons, or just that one of them is gay(I've seen a gay man who couldn't dance, but he was also wheelchair bound). So I plan it out with them, with her, and actually take Saturday off (did I mention I changed my weekend so I don't work on Monday or Tuesdays). So Friday afternoon at 6pm she calls me and cancels wanting to reschedule for next week. She gets my voice mail because she knows I am doing lap swim.,OK, that is AWESOME, I explain to my friends that it is just a guys(I won't potentially offend anyone) night out. So I'm at a gay bar, ALONE, with two very good dancers, and no hope of getting laid(in any ways that I wanted to be laid, the bartender did get sorta flirty :-/ ).

So come next weekend, I call to confirm she is IN for the evening before confirming with my friends. NOPE she totally forgot. Forgot the 2 phone calls where we talked about it earlier in the week, or when I asked about it when I dropped off her lunch at her office and wanted to eat with her. So I am DD for 2 men at the gay bar , AGAIN. I decide that I'm done with being a food delivery/ crying shoulder, and until she realizes that I'm not particularly into that I'm done being a whipping boy. I call her on it, ask what is up. "Nothing honest mistakes... "

So Tuesday she texts me about dropping off lunch, yeah that goes GREAT because I'm out of town. tell her and she doesn't believe me. (not like I'm posting to Facebook, photos of land I want to buy outside city 200 miles away). So  I get back to town and get a "we need to talk" text.

Phone call, I'm about to say "hey, I'm done, you cant seem to keep your shit together and I'm not getting what I want out of this relationship, see ya no hard feelings", when she says it. So hey no hard feelings, it is mutual. She wants to stay friends, and I'm OK with that.

3 weeks

She calls me up and asks I wanna do lunch and catch up, I say sure between 130 and 2 meet up at XYZ place. I show up after working a double, and start downing coffee. I;m on my 3rd cup, and 2 ladies who are obviously old friends start chatting with me from a nearby table. They are HAMMERED (yes at 145 PM on a Thursday) and on their third bottle of wine. They are both in their late 30's but having a girls day out because their husbands are at a work conference and why not. So they want up to speed on who I'm waiting on(it is obvious). So 215 rolls around and she walks into one of the nicer places in town, in scrubs, an hour and fifteen minutes after work.

I ask if she wants to order any food(I'm contemplating eating the centerpiece at this point) and she says "No"
so I order a burger and fries. She doesn't want any food but asked me to lunch(I could get a 20 dollar hamburger at home for WAY cheaper). Anyway the that I had been chatting with prior to her arrival(15 minutes late, no call no text, I will write you off and meet new people) introduce themselves, and start asking the normal questions(job, like it, how long friends, ect ect). My food arrives, I start demolishing the burger, and she picks up the ketchup, opens it and ketchups my fries en mass and starts eating them.

Now french fries are sacred, you don't put ketchup on them prior to being ready to eat, they get soggy. But this woman who I'm not dating, not sleeping with, and "isn't hungry" has just violated my fries, and stolen some of them. I don't explode due to being in a better restaurant, and that I am too tired. after about 15 fries. This woman answers the last question she was asked, I ask how her day at work was, and she says "It was good, I'm leaving" . I am not even halfway through my burger(and I can devour food), and she has been there 7 minutes, literally. So I waited 45 minutes to ask how your day was, and have you violate my french fries.

She leaves, I pick up the check and head to my car. I start driving and she calls me talking about how I sabotaged out lunch date with my drunken friends, and she felt ambushed. I said 3 times that I had never seen them before that day and she doesn't believe me.  So after she starts screaming at me over the phone (while I'm driving home), I hang up. I ignore the call back. 20 minutes later the friend who's BBQ we met at calls me and asks for the story.  Friend stays neutral and says "well, you need a better vetting process for who you date".

Sunday, May 12, 2013

You smell like purple....

So I went on vacation to Europe to visit a friend of mine. I normally live in Alaska(best state there is), but I have friends and family all over the world so I can couch surf which makes vacation pretty fun. So I collaborated with my friend who lives in Holland to visit, and go out clubbing. We get dressed up for an event called "Expats in Amsterdam, black and white ball" meaning you have to wear black and white. So I get a nice set up together and so does my female friend(no just friends, we dated WAY back in high school and it just wouldn't work). We get to the party, and start dancing.

Now I have to back up,  while I love Alaska it does have some problems(snow, population ratio, and lack of in and out burger being the big ones); the population ratio problem has led to some interesting effects on population dynamics there. An economist would describe the dating scene as a scarcity situation, where in the existing commodities take on higher than expected prices due to set demand and reduced supply.

When you apply this economic rule to dating in Alaska the following happens, due to a shortage of eligible women(smart, funny, HS education, less than 4 kids, non felon, employed), those who only have SOME positive characteristics are enhanced in desirability, and those with LOTS of desirable characteristics are enhanced more. Basically you can apply a +2 handicap to the average woman in Alaska. So in the lower 48, an average looking woman who is less than desirable (a felony record, and HS drop out) would rate say a 5 on a datable scale would in Alaska be a 7.(10 being perfect). So Holland gets a MINUS 2 handicap, the average woman there is MUCH hotter than the average American, much better educated( did I mention accents are HOT), and in general a good sense of humor.  Applying this to my situation, I am basically surrounded by very attractive women in a dance club with an ideal wing chick helping me out. I am set to have an excellent night.

So after about 30 minutes of dancing my wing chick informs me that I need to look to my back left side and I see this amazingly hot redhead. A coworker of my friend who is with us informs us that he knows her and will introduce me(lets call the coworker, Dylan). Dylan goes over to her and says something to effect of "hey you want you to meet my friends", she comes over. Dylan says " Julie, this is Sensitive New Age Guy, and his old HS friend E, he is here visiting and getting the scoop on the guy she wants to date".  This gal Julie never even looks at me, totally invades my bubble and starts touching my wing chick's hair, saying "you hair is so soft, your so pretty, your hair is so soft". Now three things are immediately evident, 1 I am not getting laid tonight(wrong team...), 2 my wing chick might(both teams), 3 Julie is high as a kite on X.

So I am going all role reversal and start backing out of the conversation(really at this point is basically my bisexual female friend getting groped by a very hot redhead who is obviously high on X); but NO my friend tries a last ditch recovery from a stall for me bringing up that I am her marathon training partner. I play it down, I kinda don't want women who are so high they don't remember things waking up in bed with me.  Also I don't think I could sleep with a woman who is high on X, granted I'm sure she would love it, hell petting a cactus on X is supposed to be fun, but 90% in control of mental facilities is important.  So I eject from the conversation as Julie continues to pet my friend's hair while feeling herself up, I feel a little dirty after a couple minutes of watching my friend attempt to politely NOT get groped on the dance floor, and we elect to leave. My friend mentions she was waiting for the line "Your hair smells like purple" to be dropped but it never was. 

All in all a fun night out though, least my friend got to get groped and watch a hot redhead grope herself. I on the other hand don't smell like purple.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

45 Minutes

So after pledging a hiatus from dating since March I kept running into a gal who works with a company my company works with. We see each other say 10-20 minutes every week in little 2 minute encounters when our jobs cross paths. I have been working on dropping 20 lbs since last March and this woman noticed, and commented to my coworker about it while I wasn't in the office. Coworker informed me about this and I decided to "accidentally" run into this woman during the course of the next week.

Having run into this woman and purposefully lengthened the conversation things went well. After several "accidental" encounters(really just swapping little tasks at the office so I would have to swing by her office during her shift), she is bright, educated, cute, and appears to have a level head on her shoulders. So I asked her to coffee and we exchange numbers.

So this is on a Tuesday and coffee isn't until Monday, so we start talking via phone. her shift being 2-11 and mine being 7-5(I work 10's, no lunch). we talk right before I head to bed, the conversations are pretty good, serious topics and light stuff are covered. 5 days of conversations and then coffee day. Coffee goes well, and I get the wild idea to visit the local zoo which has recently acquired a polar bear cub, so we tack going to the small Anchorage zoo to watch the polar bear cub play. The cub is adorable, cuter than a pack of puppies and a litter of kittens.

She asks to do dinner after the zoo(they only let the little guy play for an hour a day) so I know that I she is having a great date. We do dinner and I have to call it a night because I have martial arts class, and she goes for a hug which is where I am at too so it is great. After I get home at 9 from class she has texted me and wants to go out on Friday, we set up arrangements(shooting range, me cooking, and she has asked to see Lincoln which I thought was still in theaters so I agree. Turns out she was thinking DVD(it was out) and my couch. So the activity goes well, the shooting range actually(she has asked about learning to shoot a rifle, I have one that is really easy to learn on so I showed her), then back to town I am cooking dinner, and DVD on the couch.

Obviously we end up making out during the movie, I am a sucker for making out during a movie, I watched "Titanic" 7 times in the theater with my high school girlfriend(that is over 24 hours of my life "watching" Leonardo Di Caprio freeze to death). She goes home at about 9, but not before we set up plans for Saturday night, me cooking a NICE dinner(my confusion about Lincoln being in theaters had resulted in me whipping up something functional but not "nice" instead of being prepared).

Saturday can't happen soon enough and while my morning is busy as could be (8am 13.2 mile run, then martial arts till 1), the afternoon is wide open to plan, prepare and really knock this woman's socks off. I want to impress her, I am starting to invest in the relationship. Things like that she likes coffee and gummy bears(ok gross sounding I'm not going to lie) Coldstone, or thinks cheesy action movies are better than Lifetime dramas, matter to me.

Saturday afternoon comes around and I have whipped up my signature knock any body's socks off dish. Champagne cream sauce chicken and portabelos with asparagus and quinoa on the side. French bread(local french bakery, awesome, tastes like ACTUAL french bread which is a hundred times better than the stuff that Americans try and pass off as "french bread"). Dessert is fancy french pastry cake for desert, 3 layer chocolate mousse(dark, ultra dark, milk) separated by layers of super moist . This goes over... well. She is impressed, more making out on the couch(don't even remember the movie). She asks to spend the night, and I bring up my expectations if that happens; a relationship and all that entails, my dating past(divorce, ),  that I am interested in her, I think she feels the same way, monogamy, the whole package.  She agrees with me.

The next morning sleeping in until 1030 is great, wake up do breakfast and she is out the door at 1130. I shower and get dressed and start checking my email. at 1215 she texts me asking if I can talk on the phone. I call her and ask what the problem is, thinking she has been involved in a wreck(it is icy out side, traffic is pretty rotten). She says she just slept with her ex boyfriend. Now realize that she has been gone for 45 minutes from MY house (things went well for both sides, nobody was lacking), and 45 minutes later is getting nailed by her ex. Mind you this is the ex she hasn't spoken to in a month, and "wasn't serious" with.  So she asks what is going to happen from here and I basically inform her that while I was interested in a relationship, that sorta dried up with the amazing lack of judgement she displayed, much less timing( I mean 45 minutes, I can barely get across town in 45 minutes when traffic is bad), we are not going to happen, hope things work with her Ex/current(not sure of semantics there).

I proceed to get a string of 15 unresponded to text messages, at about one every 2 hours for the next  2 days, and they are several pages long each. Talking about "the one" and mistakes, forgiveness, being with me for all time. Just to clarify this was date 3 or 4 depending on if the extension of date 1 counted as 1 or 2 dates.  Text messages on an IPhone the sender knows you have seen it apparently and it displays this unless you shut the feature off so she knows that I have read them(if I don't my phone keeps buzzing).   A half dozen phone calls, also unanswered.  Then on my first day back at work I tell my boss about things just in case she brings into the office. Guess who shows up 30 minutes after I have left my bosses office...

Yep, my coworker has been briefed on the situation and is totally supportive, sticks around to witness things. Woman tries to ask if I can talk outside and wants to give me ice cream. It appears to be coldstone but not any flavor/mix items I have ever seen before( I'm all about mint, brownie). I tell her "sorry, no, no, just leave". she does. No texts since and I feel like I dodged a bad bullet. Sigh. 45 minutes... FML

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Bachelor Auction(AKA Mrs.S and I go on a date)

So I was convinced to participate in a bachelor auction to raise money for charity(American Diabetes Association). The organizer basically said that until I was purchased, I was free to flirt with whomever I wanted at the auction(really 400 women, 25 guys, should be able to get a number or 3). So the prep work for the auction included getting a tux, gathering donations from various businesses around town(hair/nail appointments, dinner for 2, tickets to various museums, massages at spa place, coffees at another place; all told the total value of the stuff I gathered was 1500 dollars).

So the auction comes around I got a few numbers during the social mixer(OK 2, I have no "game"), I get auctioned off for $1100. On the down side I was purchased by a woman in her mid 50's with no interest in a date with me because she was married with kids my age. she wanted a cheap date night with her husband(my donation package was an easy 5 dates, maybe 8 if you didn't do dinner, activity, and drinks somewhere every time). No single friend (AE, "hey I just wanted your donation package, sorry to deny you the chance to hit on OTHER women all night, you don't have a date for valentines day,  here is my friend's number she doesn't either,  since you were expecting a date anyway...) .

Anyway so I call one of the two women who gave me her number for valentines day, she is crazy, and by crazy I mean raving bat shit crazy.  Verbal illustration below.

So Mrs. S and I go on a date:

Call Mrs. S. and ask if she would like to do something on Friday(this is Tuesday, so 3 days after she gave her number to me, no she gave it to me; I was taking an I phone photo and she took my phone from my hand and programed her number into it and said my name is S, call me. ). We set plans for Friday and apparently I am driving. Now it is a little odd that I am picking this gal up at her house on a first date, I don't know her at all, she doesn't know me, but now I know where she lives, I could be a stalker or worse. So this should have set of an alarm bell, (obviously it didn't).

We go out to dinner at a bar/grill across town and burgers and cocktails, all is ok, up until I ask what she does for a living. The conversation goes like this.

"So you know I work at the airport doing import and export stuff, what do you do when you aren't turning heads with fancy dresses?"
"DON'T YOU DARE IMPLY I GOT MY JOB BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN AND AN ALASKA NATIVE(think native American, but from Alaska, Eskimo is a tribe, Alaska native is all the tribes) I GOT MY JOB BECAUSE I AM GOOD AT IT"
"uh, I was just asking where you work"
"I work for south Central foundation." (SCF is a local AK Native hospital/corp, I have several friends who have worked there they experienced discrimination based on their lack of skin tone; attached is the first 3 lines of a position description for Computer programmer,
SCF programs are established for the purpose of serving a primary population comprised of Alaska Natives who are affiliated with the Cook Inlet Region Inc. (CIRI), and Alaska Natives and American Indians within SCF’s geographical service area. Employees should have a thorough understanding of the cultures and the needs of the CIRI members, and of the general culture and needs of Alaska Natives and American Indians. Such knowledge is critical in order to ensure the achievement of the mission and vision of SCF: working together with the Native community to provide the best services with Native staff who value the family and family wellness as the heart of the Native community)
"Ok, so how is working there?" calmed the conversation down nicely.

20 minutes later dinner is over and I am driving her to her house and we are talking when she says hey lets go to X bar it is right by my house and I want to check it out. So we are off to X bar. place looks like a total dive on the outside and you walk past the entry way and it is a decent place.
So we start ttalking again. and I ask what volunteer work she had done because she mentioned it before.
"I worked for XYZ organization"
"What is that?"
"They do criminal defense for accused war criminals"
"So who were they defending"
"They were defending XXX"
"What did he do"
"He is accused of committing genocide in Bosnia back in the 90's but it was totaly justified"

Now if you haven't figured out by this point this gal is an Alaskan Native, and shall we say "proud to the detriment of others", of her ethnic heritage. I on the other hand am a proud mutt of both Scottish, German, and Russian, with a little bit of who the hell knows thrown in. So also if you have visited the region of south east Europe the people there look an amazing lot like me, kinda muttish.(random church camp from Bosnia from google images)

This gal was justifiable genocide of the particular ethnic group I am a member of..
Seriously people, pick a group you are not on a date with!!!

This was about when it clicked that my Lackanookie disease had caused the side effect of Myopia, and I needed to realize that my eyesight problem was about to cause a more serious problem. I quickly remembered my early morning run and extricated my self from the situation.

The other gal ,who I asked for her number, the date was uneventful with a complete lack of chemistry.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Why bother.

So back in June I was convinced to try my hand at internet dating.(Got a very normal relative who met her very normal husband that way). So after a few "you have 5 cats in the photo with you..." conversations, I met a started exchanging emails with a gal who was great, college educated, witty, employed, seemed to click. We swapped photos and agreed to meet for coffee.

So we meet up at a coffee shop about 10 minutes from my house, first thing I notice is her hair is TOTALY differant, as in went from below shoulder length to pixie cut AND a differant color. This bugs me for a few minutes  but we are talking plans here about what we are doing for christmas and new years. She wants to know if I am going to be in town(kinda sudden for first date. I finally ask what her hair's change is all about.

It went like this:

Me :"So your photo you had long brown hair, now you have short, blond, large change"

Her:"It's a wig"

Me(did I mention I can be kinda dense): "Why wear a wig? I think you hair looked nice in your photo."(which I realize could be taken as "your hair looks NOT nice now", which is not what I am trying to say, simply that is it a drastic change from a known good to an unknown which also looks nice).

Her: Well I have was on chemotherapy and well I am bald now, but I stopped the chemotherapy because I didn't like how I felt and have decided to die. The doctors have given me 6-8 months to live which is why I was asking about Christmas  I want my boyfriend to hold my hand while I die."

Me : "... I'm sorry that you have cancer, that sucks." 
(the elephant in the room of, she wants me to emotionally invest in her , get to the serious part of the relationship, so she can die)

Her: " Well ,say something"

Me: "I have to go"

I left and decided that internet dating is not a good plan if you are looking for serious. My relative must be the part of couple from the commercial, while I am the office break room story. In retrospect I am not sure what is worse, that she wanted me to be OK with knowing that she would die after 6-8 months, that she had given up, or that I would have been part of her checklist of life/death. I know breakups happen but to not even have a chance, why bother?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Changing the rules...

So I started dating a normalish(so I thought) back in August for a couple weeks. It didn't work out well... So for starters I was very up front "I am not really looking for super serious, ring shopping , kids, pets , plants, joint checking accounts, ANY of that" on the first date.

She comes back with she is not looking to get serious either just wants to have fun, both in and out of bed, wants to see if they are decent guys out there(I like to think I am one), and not be tied down by commitments having just gotten out of a not so great marriage. OK so sounds like we are on the same sheets of music.

So we go on a couple dates things are kind of fun, getting home from dates is pretty fun too, she has a couple habits that I find annoying and know that long term would drive me INSANE. I emphasize several times that I am not interested in long term, by asking questions about other guys she is dating, if she thinks any of them will get serious, subtly dropping hint that I wasnt able to hang out Sunday night.

So she calls me up on a Wednesday and asks what I am doing on Friday and can I come over for a date/board games night at her house on Friday since her friend from out of town is visiting. I raise an eyebrow but hey that is that, likely the friend will just stay at her house we will head to my house and she will wake up early to make her house guest(who would be alone that night) breakfast. Works fine for me.

Well, the evening they had planned was more like a "dear penthouse forum" letter, in actuality she wanted the friend to participate, and the friend wanted to participate. Since I had no commitments to the relationship (previously stated), either of the women, and a particularly loud shoulder devil I was also fine with things. So things are well into round 2, when the gal who lives in my town up and goes "AGHH I can't do this:" freaks out and leaves. The gal from out of town says, "Well that kinda ruins the fun", and well that was the end of that.

So if you are going to host an orgy, have rules before, and don't change them half way through, it is really unkind to the participants.  

Women are strange.