Thursday, June 28, 2012

Been busy couple weeks, and I am a procrastinator

So about 6 months ago I went to a friend's wedding and met via friend of friend of cousin of a gal who seemed nice and we chatted for a good 45 minutes before swapping phone numbers and the promise to do dinner and a night out when I was going to be in her area. She lives about 6 hours north of where I do so planning would be important.

So a week later I am heading up that way for work and I called her before leaving town and she seemed delighted to hear from me. There had been 2 phone calls prior so really every 3 days I had called and talked. She was from a small town in rural middle America, thought that the Red Sox are a better team than the Yankees, and that orange cream ice cream is the best flavor.

So I set up dinner at a fancy hole in the wall that I know is a great place, total of 5 tables, and the waiter actually remembers me from when I went to college in town. We have dinner and turns out she has never had a guy take her to a nice restaurant. So I am already in the "good guy" category. We do a brief walk around the world ice art carving championships (it is Alaska in winter, so it is COLD) and then head into the local indoor mini-golf place to give things a try.

We have a blast playing, all in all a great date thus far. She is having fun, I am enjoying her company, things couldn't be going much better.  Then she asks if we cna go visit the friend who introduced us at her work, the friend is a waitress at a bar in town. So we cruise over the friend's place and I get stuck unexpectedly with the tab for a round of cocktails, not just for my date and I but an additional 4 people. Rant about 9 dollar cocktails withheld for fear of ruining the top row on my keyboard. 

I play the good date, put on a brave smile and open a tab. To which I ended up signing away a half a week’s worth of wages by the end of the night, my date is drunk, her friends are there too (or slightly on either side of drunk), and I am cold sober because I have been nominated driver and I am too conscious of being a good guy on a date, so getting drunk is not an option for me. Friends dropped off and we are on the way to her house so I can drop her off and not call(standards, getting drunk on first date falls into the not dateable category) when she says lets go to X's bar.

Now I know X from college and we used to hang out that he bought  a bar is a surprise, given that he would more likely be at them but never behind one. So we walk in and he is not working tonight, but my date proceeds to start making out with the bouncer/ID checker. So I leave her in his capable hands and head back to my car. She come sprinting out of the bar and asks where I am going and I inform her I am going back to my hotel to get some sleep; that I thought the date was over. She asks why I thought the date was over. I shot back with "SERIOUSLY!!!!?!?!?! You were just making out with the bouncer on our date, after I shelled out fortune to get you and your friends drunk and haven't even gotten a thank you. You are a lousy date, you are incredibly inconsiderate. I am going back to my hotel to get some sleep so I can drive home tomorrow if you want a ride I can drop you off at your house."

So I dropped her off and went back to my hotel to get some sleep. The next day I check my email before heading out and I have had several Facebook mentions so I click on them. Apparently I have been called a lousy date, greedy, selfish, and several other names. SIGH.

Friend of friend of cousin who introduced us apologized when she heard about the date, and gave the reason she introduced us, “well she was single, I knew that much.” *Sigh* Perchance she was single for a reason…

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Worst sex ever...

So in keeping with my theme of relationships are strange places....

I went on a date with a woman I hadn't seen since college(friend of friend) and it went great. Good conversation, funny, anyway we ended up back at her place. Movie goes into the DVD player and she is leaning on my shoulder. Now this is my first date with this woman, but we had hung out some in college and I realize that relationships are not exactly built on hooking up on the first date so I distance my self from this by getting another glass of wine (you know, to help my judgement... ).

So the movie is a romantic comedy about John Cussack and some gal who finds the other half of Cussacks glove pair in a sale bin. Lots of sappy stuff, lots of potential. So about 3/4th the way through the movie she asks if I can give back rubs(I can, though I usually put them in the clothes off realm) and well heck I am human I offer.

She lays down on her front facing the TV and I kneel and start rubbing. So about 5 minutes into the massage, she says stop,  she does that magical bra off from under shirt and pulls her shirt off all while laying down. I don't know how women can do that, it takes me 2 hands, a bright light, and a schematic to do it. She then asks me to continue, and well being human, having an attractive half naked woman in front/under me.  (no kissing here, just a back rub and her leaning on me thus far).
So she stops the massage again ans asks me to get her more wine, so I get some for both of us.

Now this is about glass 5 for me and I am really not in condition to drive(which in my mind I won't be), and I mention this. She says, not a problem you can stay here. My mind starts doing the "happy dance" (this looks something like me dancing to disco after I have aquired some sort of seziure disorder). So about 5 minutes later the movie ends and she announces that she is going to get ready for bed.

So she puts her shirt back on, and says "here is a blanket for the couch. I upstairs and we are not sleeping together". So since there hadn't been too mcuh leading(no kissing, no talk about it) on I can deal with that, IT would have been fun but hey "life is what happens when you have other plans". So I bundle up  on the couch and pass out.

Next morning I get up, when she does, we have breakfast and I am off to my house. I get home and take a shower. I get out of my shower to a ringing phone and it is the mutual friend from college(we still hang out).

Apparently when my mutual friend asked how the night went it went something like I got drunk, "made advances dispite being told to stop", she pulled a gun and shot me. I cannot locate this bullet hole, I have looked, if there are SANE, attractive women reading this that are interested in looking... ;) . So my freind had known me for over 6 years at that point, and the mutual friend for only about 3 so her story got questioned. This sort of thing isn't me, I am actually a little too passive in taht department, forcing the issue isn't my style. So my friend of 6 years starts asking questions.   How many times did you shoot him, where did you shoot him, what happened after you shot him, you know the pretty standard things that if you shoot someone they likely will remember.

So my friend of 6 years called me to see how my bullet wounds(yes, multiple times apparently) are doing. The version she heard of our night basicly ended with me driving off drunk into the night after bleeding all over her apartment. Only problem with this version of the evening is my lack of extra holes, stitches, my breathing(multiple bullet wounds usually require LOTS of doctors), and my truck not having blood in it. So my friend basicly says well I thought she was a little off but never that bad.

So about this time I get another phone call from a second mutual friend (small crowd) and appently a second version of events in which I was only threatened with a gun because of a warning shot has surfaced.

I haven't even finished drying my hair and I am finally hitting the relization that I have been accused of a felony( I have never even smoked pot or cigarettes at this point). I get REALLY offended that someone is accusing me of this sort of thing. If I was that desperate to get laid I would just go find a floozy at a bar, craigslist, or dial 1800escorts4u(not sure if that is a real number but it might actually be one). It still makes me mad thinking that someone accused me of that.

So I tell the second friend that if the next time she talks to this gal if she thinks that I did anything she needs to go to the cops and report it. The second friend actually had lunch later that day with her and apparently the story had grown even more to include me beating on her prior to the gun. Problem is that at 5'11 and  225 lbs, lifting weights every day and swimming 2 miles,   I should be able to leave some marks. 

This one scores a 10 of 10. Apparently there is a club of guys who also think that she is BSC(bat shit crazy), now woman crazy is normal, stuff like bathroom in packs, 100 pairs of shoes, does dress make me look fat questions. BSC is a much higher level of crazy, sort of like a Ford is a car, a Ferrari is a car too but with many more bells and whistles and obviously should be noticed.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Work keeps me too busy

So work is keeping me too busy to post here. I should be back by the 10th.
until then ill leave you with this gem.

"I love ice cream, it is my comfort food. It is like Ben AND Jerry are there giving me a big "it will all be OK " hug... " Yes I said that today...