Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Traffic stop...

So at the old age of 30 I have been thrust back into the dating world, it is daunting, and frankly I have the worst luck on dates. Normal women who don't have gigantic issues, for some reason are scarce(much like the single, super model, doctor, comedians). If I locate an eligiable one I'll be sure to shout it from the rooftops, until then I am going to be searching. This is the tale of one such search.

So I met this gal at of all places a bar, now before you say well there is your problem, a description of the "bar" in question. It is the only business in a remote town of 300 people, also serves breakfast, lunch and dinner. If there are 3 people in there the bar is hopping. A pool table, 2 eating/drinking tables and 5 bar stools and a boom box are the furnishings. She was the waitress/bartender/cook/whatever else. Her folks owned the place.

So we got to talking over beer, and since we were the only people in the place, we got to talk for about an hour while my buddy Laurance played pool. So this gal and I kinda hit it off and I asked her if she wanted to go to a real town for dinner, and whatever else she wanted to do, my treat. Things got planned for Saturday, about 2.

We meet up, she is driving because my car is a work truck and about as environmentaly friendly to drive into town, as the Exxon Valdez. So we both pile into her Saturn, and head to town. We eat a late lunch at a Chineese place, walk around the mall, people watch, talk all is pretty good.

So we head back to the cafe/bar where we had agreed to meet and we have just passed the city limits and we get pulled over by the cops. She flips out, full on bat shit crazy, pounding the wheel, frothing at the mouth ranting about F*ing cops this, Danm the police that. This is before the guy has even gotten out of his car to ask for license and registration she is full on crazy. I am a little bit in shock, the sweet, polite, woman I have spent the last 3 hours with just did a complete about face.

The deputy gets to her window and like a switch she is Mrs. Manners, he informs her that she ran a stop sign a block back(I did not see a stop sign, and I am a pretty bad back seat driver), can he get her license, registration, and proof of insurance. He gets them, my license too and goes back to his car. Soon as he has left, she flips back into crazy mode, about how cops are all out to get her, she "didn't do nothing", and down hill from there.

The deputy gets back hands her stuff, says she will be getting a warning today, looks at me, my license, and asks me to step out of the car. This is a first for me but I am pretty laid back so I get out. We walk about 25 feet back to his car, he hands me my license, looks at me and says "You need to look into the company you keep, it can reflect negativly on you, this conversation never happend, here is your license have a good night". Now I am puzzled but I am like ok.

I the deputy gets back in his car, and I get back in the passenger seat of hers. She starts driving, and I am still a little puzzled about the deputy's comment but I am still a little alarmed by her outbursts, so I don't bring her outburst up. I instead bring up how her drivers license photo must look good enough to get her out of a ticket, this leads to the inevitable who's drivers license photo is worse. So while looking at her license I can also see the birth date.

So we are about back to my truck at this point and I say I have had a fun time, aside from the almost ticket, and I'll call her with plans for next weekend. So I get back to my truck, write down the birthday, and head home. I get to my house, and pop open google, and google my date. Turns out she has convictions for methamphetamine production and dealing, multiple domestic violence arrests(both ways), prostitution, shop lifting. I decided that while some things are in the past (I have 2 speeding tickets, and a driving at speeds in excess of conditions which is legal speak for you slid into a ditch), and some things are liable to rear up shortly. I put her problems in the latter catagory and didn't plan another date.

I don't know how to rate this one. Comment with your ranking,  1 being not bad date, 10 suprised I didn't wake up in bathtub of ice missing a kidney.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial day camp out, and 19 miles

So for those of you who don't know I am running a marathon and trying to raise money for leukemia and lymphoma research for a cure. I have 2 blogs and was out of town this weekend (but I still did my practice run). I updated one and you are getting that update for this one. I should have a good update for Tuesday.

So for Memorial day I was out of town for the longest practice run of the season. The longest practice run is supposed to be 3 hours, which turns into 3 hours 20 minutes when you do not be able to hear your turn around alarm with head phones in. I ran 9.5 out, turned around and ran 9.5 back. I was very impressed with myself, I have beaten a personal longest run, and I was going pretty fast, roughly 11 minute miles, which is my ideal pace for the marathon here in June.

I realized at about mile 17 of my run that while my feet hurt that I was only going to be in tempory pain and there were people who are, have been and will be in worse pain until a cure for cancer is found. This caused me to keep going. I think I can do the 26.2 miles when it gets here.

So the reason I was out of town is the local chapter of the Alaska Machine Gun Association (AMGA) was going to do a machine gun shoot at the range in Anderson. For those of you who don't know your very small Alaskan towns, Anderson is a town of about 400 located about 5 hours drive north of Anchorage, and 1 hour south of Fairbanks just off the parks highway. A machine gun shoot is where a bunch of people who own machine guns (yes they are legal, there is just a bunch of paperwork and background check first, then a very large check to buy it) get together and shoot at things. Then cook over camp fires, drink beer, complain about slow drivers in the left lane , how shopping carts always have one wheel that doesn’t work right, and their kids play too many video games.

The local fire department donated 2 wrecked cars for us to shoot at, and then after we have "really wrecked them" they chop them up for practice pulling people out of wrecks. The cars were pretty much about like Swiss cheese by the time we were done though. So the fire department was happy that the cars were well “wrecked”. Because we made quite a bit of noise for 2 days, a donation was taken up for the local fire department and they will likely be getting some fancy new gear. Here are some of the guns that were used.

The old guy with his cannon, the stuff in the back is all the stuff he needs to keep it running. He says he never has tailgaters either... It is a blast(pun intended) to fire, you can see the cannon ball hit the ground and skip. I can say for a fact if you shoot a ford escort in the trunk the cannon ball will go through the trunk, through the rear seat, through the front seat, through the fire wall, break when it hits the drivers side shock, and then keep going.

This is a photo of the firing line at after things slowed down a bit, the down side is I was having too much fun shooting things that I forgot to take photos during the exciting stuff.

This is a video of me shooting my friend Sean's very high caliber sniper rifle, (at 5 bucks a shot, I only took one, I didn't want him to go broke). I hit the target, I just didn't knock it over.

I don't own any of these things, YET. Someday after the marathon is over with, I'll likely get some, maybe. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Walking alone...

So I have a trend going here and people seem to enjoy my gallows humor. Yet another...

Friend of mine and I headed out one Friday evening to go meet ladies at a local dive bar. Now by dive bar I mean a place that caught on fire and reopened with a blue tarp to cover the missing wall, and a kerosene lamp to light the back. I am pretty sure the fire marshal got his kids braces on that one.

So my buddy, lets call him "Muffin" (he got that nickname in college, how we will never know), is a big guy. 6'3" 250, really would have fit well in a longship, chain mail, and a broad sword. Professional pipe fitter.  Is having a very successful evening hitting on a young lady and they are obviously going places. I have taken the wingmans supporting role and been flirting with her attractive friend. About 2 beers, 2 body shots, and a jello shot later (time got kinda fuzzy). About this time Muffin, as the DD, asks if I need a ride home because he is heading out with his new friend. I tell him wait 5 min I gotta get this gal's phone number.

So I tell the gal I am flirting with that I gotta go due to my ride leaving , and ask if I can get her phone number so I can call the next day. She says she would rather just drive me to her house, wake up, roll over and talk to me more the next morning. So or obvious reasons I tell Muffin that I am covered for a ride.  And Muffin makes a bee line for his house with his new friend in tow.

So the gal and I proce to match each other body shot for body shot for about an hour. (With progressively lowered inhibitions). She then says we should head back to her house. She drives, which in retrospect was a BAD idea. Not only was she WAY beyond the legal limit, but I have no idea where I am, due to fiddling with radio and talking with her, not to mention there being ice fog everywhere.

Now a brief bit on ice fog. It is a fog made of suspended ice crystals  in the air. It happens at around -35 and lower. It is just like normal fog but denser and more difficult to see through. This is Fairbanks , AK here so -40 is pretty standard in January at night.

So we end up off a main road that I actually know, and I grab my jacket from her car to head into her house. We get to the couch, she turns on the TV as we start making out. After about 15 seconds of making out she breaks the kiss, and FREAKS OUT. Screaming that I have to go right now, I am really confused but pushing the issue is not really my thing, and hey I did get to make out with a cute gal for about 15 seconds. I asked her what the problem was and she (still freaking out) says I have to go right now. So I grab my jacket and head out.

Now while I know roughly where I am in relationship to the road that I know leads to my house, I am still about 6 miles from my house. It is 2 am, I have 7 dollars cash, a credit card, student ID, a jacket, no hat, no gloves,  and it is about -40 outside.  I unfolded the collar of my jacket and unrolled that nylon hood thing that is in cheap jackets, you know the one, that sounds like a great idea when you buy it,  but has no practical purpose as it funnels rain INTO your collar.  I found the practical purpose. I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket and started walking home, still very drunk. At about mile 3 I was actually crossing the campus where I went to school and all I could think about was how cold I was. so I
went into the all night study;  which was ,as normal, occupied by Indian exchange students studying engineering, astrophysics, and statistics.

I could stop shivering but only if I worked at it and I was still very drunk so I proceeded to do jumping jacks, push ups, running in place, sit ups. While wearing my jacket. This went on for about 15 or so minutes until the campus security was called (the future engineers, rocket scientist, and statisticians must have thought I was bothering them) and I was asked to leave. But I was no longer shivering and I was starting to sober up. So back on the road headed toward my house running this time because I have the balance to do it I went about another 2 miles when I realize that I know the bartender of the the last bar before my house, maybe I can get a ride home. 

So I go in and I precede to ask if I can get a favor and the bar tender looks at me and says sure name it, I in a flash of brilliance decide that I can walk the rest of the way home but to prevent freezing I should get another drink. I order a shot of vodka, and a chaser of coke. I pay my last 6 bucks for my drink and tip a dollar so I am now set for booze and well still a mile from home. I head back out and start running again. when I can see my apartment complex I start walking again and walk in my front door at just about 3 am. It had been an eventful night.

I never got to ask that gal what her issue was, my friend Muffin was all smiles the next afternoon at a BBQ, but did feel bad about leaving me but I had sent him on his merry way. Muffin and the gal kept dating for about 4 months until she graduated and left state. I didn't really care for her so I didn't ask her much about her friend.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Glass of water...

So this next one goes back a ways...

So when I was college dating was fairly frequent, I mean why not? There are lots of women, I didn't know exactly what I wanted, and the simplest way of finding out what that was looking. In my microbiology class there was this gal who was asked a question by the prof (one of the dreaded, "lets make sure everyone has done the reading" questions). The gal bombed the question, not so much on as unable to get close to a correct response but in a did you attend any of the prerequisite high school classes sort of way.

I felt bad for the her and opened my book to the correct page and slid it across the table to her, she lights up and corrects her answer(about 2 subjects later, but you gotta love persistence). The gal who was attractive started talking to me after class and asks me if I will tutor her because I am so smart. Now keep in mind, while anyone likes to hear about how smart they are, if an attractive female asks a college age male to come over and tutor her, it means "TUTOR" *wink wink nudge nudge* . I was single , and in display of amazing judgement(and luck), I proceed to talk my way OUT of tutoring her that night and into going the next night, but I promise to call her that night(I actually had a class from 6-10 PM.

So that night on the phone(45 min phone conversation, about the first 1 minute was about class), I learn she is 21, (younger woman), lives in a house(dorms suck, thin walls), has a car, job, decided that biology was the direction to go to get a raise. So things are looking up with this woman as far as A relationship and B not raving lunatic.  The deal was decided that I would tutor her and she would cook me a home cooked meal, she said she knew how to cook, and I was really smart(I would put my self at at 7/10 on the Einstein scale ).

So the next day I call her before heading over after classes to confirm and she asks if I can get a bottle of wine to go with dinner. I asked her what we were having so I could pick a good wine to go with it(I had done some research on this), moments later I am looking for a good wine to go with pasta. So I show up at her house according to plan. I get shown inside and the place smells like wet dog(which she has, and locks him up in a back room). She says dinner will be right out, watch some TV and have a glass of wine. So I do, she has one too. A little bit of fussing in the kitchen and 10 minutes later dinner is out.

Now dinner is well shall I say ,unimpressive. Top Ramen noodles boiled for several minutes in some spices that I have never seen used like that (montreal steak seasoning for instance is typicly used on steak, not table spooned onto on boiling noodles), badly strained , then have the chicken flavor seasoning packets dumped on them, covered in Ragu sauce from an already open and half used jar from the cupboard. There was also a side of saltine crackers.

Now I was a college student, I  lived on top ramen noodles, rice, peanut butter, pilot bread, cheap beer, and something the cafeteria called "Asian surprise" which wasn't bad aside from the intense thirst it brought on (drown something in soy sauce and watch your cheap beer consumption skyrocket) for 4 years. But this was a culinary masterpiece that made just regular ramen look good. It was the sort of dish that I would imagine was served on the failed reality TV game-show "Medical Procedure Survivor :  AND I LIVED!! ". Sure there are starving children in Africa, I don't live there, nor am I a child. I politely filled up on saltines and wine, I wasn't alone eating lots of them too.

So for her after dinner clean up went like this(her house mind you).I actually watched this thought process.
Simply chuck the dishes in the sink(looking at sink), ok it is already full...., counter is full too (next to sink), hum... can't throw away actual plates(looking at garbage can, also full) . (Inspiration) AH the patio, Rotting food only happens to food that is exposed to above freezing temps and since it is -10 out side that won't happen until spring.
She then took the plates outside and scrapped them off(she didn't eat her ?cooking? either, and don't get me started on what that place must have looked like come spring), and left them there.

So dinenr was a flop but this gal was intent on getting some tutoring and at 23, can you say "one track mind". So back to the other room where the books got opened before we are making out on the couch and her shirt is off in no time. This is one of the most attractive women that has ever been interested in me, and well I can over look slob and bad cook thing I am IN. Bra is off in another 15 seconds, my shirt is off. Her hand is down my pants, my hand in her underwear, really heavy breathing at this point.... "Mommy , I am thirsty. " WTF!!!

WTF!! Out of nowhere a 6 or 7 year old boy in pajamas has appeared asking "Mommy" for water. My hands are back into view faster than I ever got them back in any high school make out session when her parents walked in. Her hands are the same. She puts her shirt back on and I put mine back as she says "I'll be right back". She goes to the kitchen , I hear her wash out a drinking glass and give it to the kid. All the while I am thinking she has a kid, how does she have a kid, she is 21, kid is 7... Math that means at 13 she was getting knocked up. I wasn't even making out on a regular basis at that point.

She comes back in and acts like me finding out she has a kid in a very unexpected manner is no big deal. Now for the record, I think kids a kinda cool, I used to be one(and still am on occasion, for instance I still am fascinated by women's breasts). I ask what the story with the kid is and she says her husband is in jail for murder. So yeah in the space of 2 minutes I have learned that the really attractive woman in front of me A) had a kid when she was 13(decision making skills may to be lacking), B) is married to a violent felon and didn't tell me. Neither of these was brought up in the 45 minute conversation we had the previous evening, and I would think that they would be.

I told her I wasn't sure if I was the kind of help that she needed and grabbed my coat and left. She didn't come back to class thankfully.

That was a solid 9.5 on the weird scale, and he was eligible for parole in a mere 3 more years(because I was kinda worried about me being next).

Sledding on a date...

So next bad date. Also a first date....
   So a little more back ground, I went to the University of Alaska Fairbanks campus for school. Think a place with 7 months of winter 3 weeks of spring and fall and the best summers you could imagine(75 and sunny every day). So in the winter things get, shall we say... COLD. The relationship I was in had come to an abrupt and unpleasant end(I have issues the other half of relationships being unfaithful, if I wanted to be a swinger I would have said so up front) and I was looking for a new relationship.

   As things would have it a friend of mine arranged a blind date with a friend of theirs. So we meet up at the local Dennies, a set of cheese burgers, I pick up the check,  and we set out in my car to go to the local ice carving display(they do last a while....). I am driving down the main road in town, called Airport way, a 45 mile per hour road, 2 lanes in each direction, the radio is on and she starts singing along to American Pie(because who doesn't secretly sing), I join in and we are right in the middle of a chorus line going 45 down the road when she reaches into the middle of the car and yanks the emergency brake HARD.

   Now my car was a rear wheel drive Nissan 240 SX (,small 4 seat, rear wheel drive, slightly larger than needed engine, manual transmission, and amazing handling). Now if you have ever been driving at 45 MPH on icy roads and you have had the emergency brake pulled you will absolutely know the level of panic that hits as you completely lose control of your car and attempt to get it to the side of the road. I managed to avoid side swiping the Suburban next to me and not slide into the median and nail a telephone pole and get to a stop. The front half of the car is currently almost touching the telephone pole in the middle of the road, and the back half is in the traffic lane at about a 45 degree angle. I think the only way I managed any shred of control of the car was that I had practice in abandoned parking lots while singing my own theme music and pretending I am James Bond in a high speed pursuit.  

   I very violently grabbed the emergency brake and slammed it back down,  shift into reverse to get out of the median, and to a safe spot in the emergency lane. I then ask what the hell she was up to, she proceeded to sputter and claim she had no idea what the problem was. I was not a gentleman and ordered her to get the "F*** out of my car" (YES, in the emergency lane of a busy road at -10, it was in town she could walk somewhere safely, she had a coat). That was the end of the date, I wasn't really interested in ice carvings at that point. Our mutual friend got an ear full later in class and turns out they barely knew each other.

I would rate this one as an easy 6 but with a solid 5 seconds of 9.

Monday, May 21, 2012

My life rebooted

So background, it might be important, that whole context thing. I am 30, about 4 years ago I moved 2000 miles from Idaho back to Alaska so I could date a girl who was my best friend. It went great... for about 2 years, engagement(8 months), , wedding (zero months), marriage counseling(month 9), her getting a guy on the side(month 9.5), more counseling(month 9.5), another guy on the side(month 16), me getting all messed up in the head and thinking I was the issue(month 16)... Yeah. long story short when the time to sign papers I signed them(month 19).

After getting my head straightened out(month 25) I decided that winter gets cold and I didn't want to spend it with company, maybe not serious but I didn't know what was out there and I should maybe start dating. Lets just say that things are not what I remember, first I have the real issue of I am 30, second I am divorced, third I am a little eccentric. By a little eccentric I mean I am the guy who  can order dinner in 4 languages, badly in a 5th, breakfast well not so much. I have ridden 1000 miles in 21 hours on a motorcycle, through a rain storm because I said I would meet people at the other end on time. Driven the Alaskan highway twice, spent the night on top of a mountain in a snow bank at -34 with a 40 mile per hour wind, and ran a marathon(OK that is upcoming, come on June 23!!!).

So dating is something that I have never been really fond of, I enjoy meeting new people but I seem to have rotten luck as far as dating them. For instance, I once met a woman through work, same age as me, we talked on the phone twice(total of about 45 minutes), and plan out what to do on Friday night. She decides she wants to dinner and a movie. Pretty standard and this is my first date since harvest season on the farm (think 7 says a week,  16 hours a day for 12 weeks, dating is second to sleep).

So I show up at this gal's address, check my hair, and ring the door bell. Her sister answers, and mentions that she will be heading out. I am PERFECTLY OK with this(yes, my motives at 100% pure... OK 50%). The sister says " I hope you don't mind waiting she will be right out". So after about 5 minutes of waiting she come around the corner of her house and BAM she is dressed to the nines, hair in curlers, sweat pants, and undershirt 2 sizes too big.  Apparently I was expecting a little more effort for a first date, and I must have a lousy poker face because she blurts out " I thought I would cook you dinner and we could stay in and watch a DVD" Now no joke here, while she is an interesting woman, she is also the first woman I have had a realistic chance of making out with since the middle of the summer and she wants to stay in comfortable clothes, on her couch, in her house with me next to her and watch a DVD; that is almost code for lets make out and see where it goes. So I am good for this.  Well dinner turns out to be a bag of microwave popcorn, extra salt. Well about one handful of popcorn in she declares she is thirsty and is getting a drink do I want anything, I ask what she has, Jack Daniels and water. The sister has loudly announced that she is going to go read in her room, and closes the door.

So this gal proceeds to bring the whole bottle of Jack back to the couch, cuddle up next to me, give me my glass of water and then proceed to half a bottle fifth of Jack Daniels. Not only is this alarming but part of my mind goes, wow we haven't even started the movie.  She then asks what movie I want to see, my options are "Finding Nemo", "The Reef", and "Little Mermaid". . Getting the theme here, water and animated. OK... Oh yeah this is the part when I get to meet her kid, yeah the one that I didn't know about. Kinda alarming since this completely destroys my plan for the night. The second alarming part is when her 6ish year old kid asks for dinner and gets the bag of popcorn(I am hungry but I am not going to fight a 6 year old for food...). The movie starts and I am going, "well this is a first and last date, 2 hours of her leaning on my shoulder and I am out of here to hit the delete button on her phone number".
 The sister comes back into the room, and shares the pop corn. My date continues to hit the Jack and the bottle is well into the last and Nemo's dad is racing against jelly fish when she starts getting frisky with me. Not simply making out (which would have been pretty weird due to the kid and sister in the room), but grabbing my crotch, putting my hand down her pants... you get the idea. I am running out of polite dodges and her phone rings(I think the only time in my life that I have ever been being dragged round 2nd base and WANTED an interruption).

 She answers it and it is her ex husband(also a new sudden thing), and she informs me that he is on his way over and is drunk(wow really, who isn't). As she finishes telling me that they divorced due to his(only his???) drinking and physical abuse I hear a truck outside as it plows through her hedge and blocks her drive way with his truck narrowly missing my car.

So drunk ex husband falls out of his truck and storms the house, show of agility that makes my date look stone cold sober. Gets in the front door and proceeds to fall against it, bounce off, regain his balance, open it and get inside to fall again. The ex then tries to start a fight with me only he can't stand up, and is about 50 pounds lighter than me. I can't really tell what he is saying but he is claiming to protect his ex's honor(which in my humble opinion fled long ago screaming into the night). He will not stop trying to fight me, the sister is laughing her butt off(because humor is laughing at the misery of others), my date is attempting to get me to fight him, and the 6 year old is cheering for Nemo(currently swimming in a dentist's fish tank).

The ex husband makes it to his feet throws a punch, falls; I grab his arm and put him in an arm lock, and ask the sister to move his truck from in front of my car. She locates his keys in the front walk, and moves his truck.  I announce that I have had a wonderful evening, and would call(OK I LIED, I didn't want to cause a scene...  ). I let the husband go, sprint out the door into my car and was seeing exactly how fast my car would go. 

That is about a solid 8 on a 1-10 scale of strange dates.

I'll see what I can do as far as a 9 later.