Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Walking alone...

So I have a trend going here and people seem to enjoy my gallows humor. Yet another...

Friend of mine and I headed out one Friday evening to go meet ladies at a local dive bar. Now by dive bar I mean a place that caught on fire and reopened with a blue tarp to cover the missing wall, and a kerosene lamp to light the back. I am pretty sure the fire marshal got his kids braces on that one.

So my buddy, lets call him "Muffin" (he got that nickname in college, how we will never know), is a big guy. 6'3" 250, really would have fit well in a longship, chain mail, and a broad sword. Professional pipe fitter.  Is having a very successful evening hitting on a young lady and they are obviously going places. I have taken the wingmans supporting role and been flirting with her attractive friend. About 2 beers, 2 body shots, and a jello shot later (time got kinda fuzzy). About this time Muffin, as the DD, asks if I need a ride home because he is heading out with his new friend. I tell him wait 5 min I gotta get this gal's phone number.

So I tell the gal I am flirting with that I gotta go due to my ride leaving , and ask if I can get her phone number so I can call the next day. She says she would rather just drive me to her house, wake up, roll over and talk to me more the next morning. So or obvious reasons I tell Muffin that I am covered for a ride.  And Muffin makes a bee line for his house with his new friend in tow.

So the gal and I proce to match each other body shot for body shot for about an hour. (With progressively lowered inhibitions). She then says we should head back to her house. She drives, which in retrospect was a BAD idea. Not only was she WAY beyond the legal limit, but I have no idea where I am, due to fiddling with radio and talking with her, not to mention there being ice fog everywhere.

Now a brief bit on ice fog. It is a fog made of suspended ice crystals  in the air. It happens at around -35 and lower. It is just like normal fog but denser and more difficult to see through. This is Fairbanks , AK here so -40 is pretty standard in January at night.

So we end up off a main road that I actually know, and I grab my jacket from her car to head into her house. We get to the couch, she turns on the TV as we start making out. After about 15 seconds of making out she breaks the kiss, and FREAKS OUT. Screaming that I have to go right now, I am really confused but pushing the issue is not really my thing, and hey I did get to make out with a cute gal for about 15 seconds. I asked her what the problem was and she (still freaking out) says I have to go right now. So I grab my jacket and head out.

Now while I know roughly where I am in relationship to the road that I know leads to my house, I am still about 6 miles from my house. It is 2 am, I have 7 dollars cash, a credit card, student ID, a jacket, no hat, no gloves,  and it is about -40 outside.  I unfolded the collar of my jacket and unrolled that nylon hood thing that is in cheap jackets, you know the one, that sounds like a great idea when you buy it,  but has no practical purpose as it funnels rain INTO your collar.  I found the practical purpose. I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket and started walking home, still very drunk. At about mile 3 I was actually crossing the campus where I went to school and all I could think about was how cold I was. so I
went into the all night study;  which was ,as normal, occupied by Indian exchange students studying engineering, astrophysics, and statistics.

I could stop shivering but only if I worked at it and I was still very drunk so I proceeded to do jumping jacks, push ups, running in place, sit ups. While wearing my jacket. This went on for about 15 or so minutes until the campus security was called (the future engineers, rocket scientist, and statisticians must have thought I was bothering them) and I was asked to leave. But I was no longer shivering and I was starting to sober up. So back on the road headed toward my house running this time because I have the balance to do it I went about another 2 miles when I realize that I know the bartender of the the last bar before my house, maybe I can get a ride home. 

So I go in and I precede to ask if I can get a favor and the bar tender looks at me and says sure name it, I in a flash of brilliance decide that I can walk the rest of the way home but to prevent freezing I should get another drink. I order a shot of vodka, and a chaser of coke. I pay my last 6 bucks for my drink and tip a dollar so I am now set for booze and well still a mile from home. I head back out and start running again. when I can see my apartment complex I start walking again and walk in my front door at just about 3 am. It had been an eventful night.

I never got to ask that gal what her issue was, my friend Muffin was all smiles the next afternoon at a BBQ, but did feel bad about leaving me but I had sent him on his merry way. Muffin and the gal kept dating for about 4 months until she graduated and left state. I didn't really care for her so I didn't ask her much about her friend.



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