Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Glass of water...

So this next one goes back a ways...


So when I was college dating was fairly frequent, I mean why not? There are lots of women, I didn't know exactly what I wanted, and the simplest way of finding out what that was looking. In my microbiology class there was this gal who was asked a question by the prof (one of the dreaded, "lets make sure everyone has done the reading" questions). The gal bombed the question, not so much on as unable to get close to a correct response but in a did you attend any of the prerequisite high school classes sort of way.

I felt bad for the her and opened my book to the correct page and slid it across the table to her, she lights up and corrects her answer(about 2 subjects later, but you gotta love persistence). The gal who was attractive started talking to me after class and asks me if I will tutor her because I am so smart. Now keep in mind, while anyone likes to hear about how smart they are, if an attractive female asks a college age male to come over and tutor her, it means "TUTOR" *wink wink nudge nudge* . I was single , and in display of amazing judgement(and luck), I proceed to talk my way OUT of tutoring her that night and into going the next night, but I promise to call her that night(I actually had a class from 6-10 PM.

So that night on the phone(45 min phone conversation, about the first 1 minute was about class), I learn she is 21, (younger woman), lives in a house(dorms suck, thin walls), has a car, job, decided that biology was the direction to go to get a raise. So things are looking up with this woman as far as A relationship and B not raving lunatic.  The deal was decided that I would tutor her and she would cook me a home cooked meal, she said she knew how to cook, and I was really smart(I would put my self at at 7/10 on the Einstein scale ).

So the next day I call her before heading over after classes to confirm and she asks if I can get a bottle of wine to go with dinner. I asked her what we were having so I could pick a good wine to go with it(I had done some research on this), moments later I am looking for a good wine to go with pasta. So I show up at her house according to plan. I get shown inside and the place smells like wet dog(which she has, and locks him up in a back room). She says dinner will be right out, watch some TV and have a glass of wine. So I do, she has one too. A little bit of fussing in the kitchen and 10 minutes later dinner is out.

Now dinner is well shall I say ,unimpressive. Top Ramen noodles boiled for several minutes in some spices that I have never seen used like that (montreal steak seasoning for instance is typicly used on steak, not table spooned onto on boiling noodles), badly strained , then have the chicken flavor seasoning packets dumped on them, covered in Ragu sauce from an already open and half used jar from the cupboard. There was also a side of saltine crackers.

Now I was a college student, I  lived on top ramen noodles, rice, peanut butter, pilot bread, cheap beer, and something the cafeteria called "Asian surprise" which wasn't bad aside from the intense thirst it brought on (drown something in soy sauce and watch your cheap beer consumption skyrocket) for 4 years. But this was a culinary masterpiece that made just regular ramen look good. It was the sort of dish that I would imagine was served on the failed reality TV game-show "Medical Procedure Survivor :  AND I LIVED!! ". Sure there are starving children in Africa, I don't live there, nor am I a child. I politely filled up on saltines and wine, I wasn't alone eating lots of them too.

So for her after dinner clean up went like this(her house mind you).I actually watched this thought process.
Simply chuck the dishes in the sink(looking at sink), ok it is already full...., counter is full too (next to sink), hum... can't throw away actual plates(looking at garbage can, also full) . (Inspiration) AH the patio, Rotting food only happens to food that is exposed to above freezing temps and since it is -10 out side that won't happen until spring.
She then took the plates outside and scrapped them off(she didn't eat her ?cooking? either, and don't get me started on what that place must have looked like come spring), and left them there.

So dinenr was a flop but this gal was intent on getting some tutoring and at 23, can you say "one track mind". So back to the other room where the books got opened before we are making out on the couch and her shirt is off in no time. This is one of the most attractive women that has ever been interested in me, and well I can over look slob and bad cook thing I am IN. Bra is off in another 15 seconds, my shirt is off. Her hand is down my pants, my hand in her underwear, really heavy breathing at this point.... "Mommy , I am thirsty. " WTF!!!

WTF!! Out of nowhere a 6 or 7 year old boy in pajamas has appeared asking "Mommy" for water. My hands are back into view faster than I ever got them back in any high school make out session when her parents walked in. Her hands are the same. She puts her shirt back on and I put mine back as she says "I'll be right back". She goes to the kitchen , I hear her wash out a drinking glass and give it to the kid. All the while I am thinking she has a kid, how does she have a kid, she is 21, kid is 7... Math that means at 13 she was getting knocked up. I wasn't even making out on a regular basis at that point.

She comes back in and acts like me finding out she has a kid in a very unexpected manner is no big deal. Now for the record, I think kids a kinda cool, I used to be one(and still am on occasion, for instance I still am fascinated by women's breasts). I ask what the story with the kid is and she says her husband is in jail for murder. So yeah in the space of 2 minutes I have learned that the really attractive woman in front of me A) had a kid when she was 13(decision making skills may to be lacking), B) is married to a violent felon and didn't tell me. Neither of these was brought up in the 45 minute conversation we had the previous evening, and I would think that they would be.

I told her I wasn't sure if I was the kind of help that she needed and grabbed my coat and left. She didn't come back to class thankfully.

That was a solid 9.5 on the weird scale, and he was eligible for parole in a mere 3 more years(because I was kinda worried about me being next).


1 comment:

  1. Seems like you are having a lot of bad luck trying to date women. Perhaps try for a man? ;)

    ReplyDelete